Alf... The Movie....

I can barely breathe... my ex-coworker Todd texted me that there was going to be a brand new live action Alf movie... STARING ALF! I immediately stopped what I was doing to run to the library and check the internet. I guess I should have finished up what I was doing, because the lawn mower didn't shut off like it was supposed to and it traveled into the neighbors yard where it hit their small dog Toby.

Anyway... according to the article I found, the original creator of Alf will be back along with Paul Fusco, Alf's puppeteer, voice, and daddy. 

This is the greatest news of my life... except for maybe if my Dad would come back home. (Even ALF has a dad, why can't I?) But now I'm split, because according to the news Alf is going to be a CGI character. 

Look, my stance has always been and always will be that the more CGI in the movie, the better. However, I know ALF as a puppet. Everyone loves ALF the puppet. ALF the CGI monster? I don't know. Sure he was a cartoon too, but they couldn't have rightly made the cartoon with a whole planet's worth of puppets! I think the only thing that would make up for the CGI ALF would be if it was in 3D. 

Where was I going with this? Oh yeah, ALF THE MOVIE! 

Now if you excuse me, I have to go back and bury Toby before the neighbors get home and find the body.

....ALF RULES! 

ALF EVERYWHERE OMFG!

I really hope my Mom doesn't see the title of this post, because she would go nuts if she knew I was taking the Lord's name in vain. No, not Alf's name, Jesus's name who is also known as Lord. Don't ask me why. Anyway, I was at a flea market today and there was so much Alf stuff. It was everywhere! All right, maybe there was a few Alf things on a couple of tables, but it was more Alf than I've seen in one place anywhere outside my bedroom at the trailer.

The one booth had so many Alf things that I forgot to breathe when I saw it all. It was like I was young again. I talked to the lady that was running the booth about Alf. At first she seemed really interested, but after about thirty minutes I think that she was losing some interested and started getting kind of short with me. Really!! I'm a customer! The customer is always right and if that includes wanting to talk about Alf, then let them! Anyway, I couldn't afford much but I did manage to get together 2.50. The item cost 3, but someone gave me the rest because they thought I was mentally handicapped. I don't know how they got that idea, but why would I correct them?

Anyway, now I sit at home and my Alf puppet talks to me for hours. Sometimes it tells me to do bad things. Don't tell Mom!

Alf Rules!!!!

Alf is not Gay!!!1

I was just minding my own business on the Facebook the other day looking up girls I had gone to highschool and had either been humiliated by or ignored (there are a lot of them) when a coworker of mine from the security guard service posted this horrific image on my wall:

After the horror at seeing my favorite number 1 hero of all time making out with a dude, I thanked the heavens that mom doesn't know how to use a computer. Well, she can manage to use the library computer to get on craiglist to get a lot of dates, but that's about it. I flipped out on Carl and he didn't get why I was so mad. He thought it was funny. FUNNY THAT ALF COULD BE A GAY!!!!

There's no way that Alf could be gay. First of all, he had a girlfriend on Melmac named Rhonda. Secondly, Alf is pure and natural and gay stuff is against nature and everything like that. Yeah, everyone has some strange thoughts and dreams sometimes. And sometimes when jerking your pee-pee, you might find yourself thinking about dudes. But that's not natural. That's what the loving power of Jesus is for and taking those terrible and oddly exciting thoughts and burying them deep down where they won't bother you anymore! And if that doesn't work, you can go to Straight Arrow Bible Camp for Teens where they starve you, dunk you in freezing water, and scream at you until you're cured. Now that's the natural way of things! It worked for me!

If God wanted there to be gays, he would have made it Adam and Steve, or in this case Alf and Ralf. Get it? Haha

Alf rules!

Permanent Midnight Review

So someone at work told me that I should watch Permanent Midnight because it sort of had to do with Alf. The movie stars Ben Stiller and he's a writer. Well, I was duped. This movie is blasphemy! It's supposed to be about this "writer" who "wrote" for Alf, but the movie can't say that it's Alf because of the rights or something. Well, I can tell you for a FACT that this can't be true. No druggie ever wrote for Alf, BECAUSE ALF IS TOO PURE AND WONDERFUL TO HAVE BEEN WRITTEN BY A DOPE ON DOPE!!!!1111

Sorry for the strong words. This movie made me so upset that I threw out my copy of Zoolander. That used to be one of my favorite movies of all time. NOT ANY MORE!

The only good thing about the movie? The British girl gave me a boner.

I give Permanent Midnight two thumbs down. Now I have to take an extra brain pill tonight.

Alf rules!

Alf... THE BOARD GAME

I was at Half Price Books the other day and there were a bunch of board games behind the selling counter. AND THERE WAS AN ALF BOARD GAME! After I worked up my courage to talk to the girl behind the counter, I asked how much the game cost. She took a look at it and said forty dollars. I was heart broken. All I had was five bucks on me and some quarters my mom gave me for the arcade (my mom doesn't know there aren't any arcades any more, please don't tell her I need the money).

I'm not very proud of what happened next. I started crying. The girl didn't know what to do. I just couldn't help myself. Here was an Alf board game that I wanted so badly, but couldn't have. I just kept thinking about how my Dad would have bought it for me if he hadn't left for cigarettes and forgot his way home. At first the employees felt sorry for me, but when I started throwing things they asked me to leave. What jerks.

Alf rules!

Alf at Target!

Okay Alf fans, don't get excited. I didn't actually *see* Alf at Target, but that would have been fantastic if I had right? I'd have bought him a soda and asked him to tell me all about his homeworld. What I did see at Target was that they have all four glorious seasons of Alf available in two packs for twenty dollars each!!! That means you can get all seasons of Alf for DVD for 40 bucks!!!!! I didn't buy them, because I have them. Actually, I have two copies each in case one get scratched, like they often due because I'll leave them out an my Mom's cat will scratch them. Sometimes I wish Alf would eat my Mom's cat. Like in the hilarious manner on the DVD box cover!

...Alf rules!

The Alf Movie

The remake of A-Team into a movie got me thinking the other day, why can't Alf be brought back as a big budget movie!? Some person online thought of the same thing and made this super awesome poster with the potential stars of a new Alf movie. I thought it was real for awhile until I checked IMDB. Shoot!

I like all of the choices, though I would like to have the original cast back, though I think Willy is in jail for molesting kids (ouch!). I would love to see Megan Fox in it for sure. The other day the DVD player broke from me constantly rewinding and pausing on the scene in Transformers 2 where she leans over the motorcycle. Don't tell anyone... I was masturbating. My Mom had to use part of her Social Security check to buy a new one so she didn't have as much money for the casino. Boy, was she upset!

Alf rules!